Ep.6 | How to Work with Your Spouse Without Killing Each Other

In this episode of Talkin’ S#!t with the Cincottas, Sal and Alissa discuss what it’s really like to run multiple businesses together while staying married. 

From navigating conflict and defining roles to owning your strengths and learning to communicate like adults, this episode is a brutally honest look at what it takes to build both a successful relationship and a successful company with your partner.

In this episode:

• Why marriage and business partnerships are not the same
• How to separate business disagreements from personal ones
• The rules they follow to avoid blowouts at the office and at home
• What it really means to “stay in your lane”
• How to grow together instead of apart

If you’ve ever thought, “I could never work with my spouse,” or if you’re currently doing it and feeling the strain—this episode is for you.

Transcript

Alissa 0:00

All right, everybody. Welcome back to our next episode of Talking Shit with the Sankatas. And today, I get to introduce all the hot topics, I think.

Sal 0:07

Yeah?

Alissa 0:07

Yeah. Today, we're talking about how to work with your spouse without killing each other.

Sal 0:12

That's a hot topic?

Alissa 0:15

It's spicy, yeah. So spicy. The last one I introed was the politics.

Sal 0:19

Ah. Well, here we are.

Alissa 0:23

How do you want to start this? We're still alive, so.

Sal 0:28

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, we've been working together for over 10 years.

Alissa 0:35

Yeah. I've been here... October will be 14 years with the company.

Sal 0:41

Wow. This year will be four years of marriage this October? Five. Five years this October. So being married five years... Well, in October, it will be five years.

Alissa 0:56

Did we date like two years before we got married?

Sal 0:58

Yeah, date about two years, something like that. Okay. So...

Alissa 1:02

Half.

Sal 1:03

Yeah.

Alissa 1:03

Half of the time.

Sal 1:04

I'm just saying we can talk to this. Yes. We are not marriage counselors, but we can certainly talk. This is not meant to be a

Alissa 1:11

therapy session. Let us give the disclaimer right here,

Sal 1:15

right now. Nothing about our brand signals therapy.

Alissa 1:19

No. And just know that every piece of advice we may give on this episode is from our own perspective, our own experience.

Sal 1:27

Yeah. Of working with each other.

Alissa 1:28

Not professionals.

Sal 1:31

You know what? I do a lot of talking.

Alissa 1:34

Oh, this is the episode you're going to hand it over. How convenient. How

Sal 1:37

about we do this? Okay. What is one thing that you think is important to working together, to be successful working together?

Alissa 1:50

Well, it's one thing that I think would lend to success, but I also think it's probably the number one thing that causes the most issues, and that is... Um, I got, there's so many, but mostly communication. Okay. And maybe no more than communication I think is the ability to separate work and personal life.

Sal 2:17

That's a good one.

Alissa 2:18

That's probably where I struggle the most. That's why I'm bringing that one up first.

Sal 2:22

All right. So expand on that.

Alissa 2:24

So, especially for us, when you, I think the, the work situation where you walk into an office every day and you work together in that sense you have a set time you you leave the office you go home there's like a set time where the the work is done

Sal 2:41

right

Alissa 2:41

when you are entrepreneurs together the work is with you wherever you go

Sal 2:45

right

Alissa 2:47

so there's this fine line of are we in work mode right now or are we in husband and wife mode right and that switch is very fast with you because you are you're kind of always there and So I, my biggest struggle is probably trying to not take things personally when I think you're coming at me as my husband, but you're actually talking to me as my boss.

Sal 3:10

Right.

Alissa 3:10

Because I mean, let's be honest, I was your employee before I was anything else. So you are still my boss.

Sal 3:17

Right.

Alissa 3:17

And it's easy to get comfortable in this like husband wife thing and think you should be treating me differently, but you shouldn't.

Sal 3:25

Yeah. I, well, I agree with that. Um, First, I'll say that I actually love working with you. I think- Oh, I love,

Alissa 3:34

I would-

Sal 3:34

No, you can't come back and say it after I said it. I would never change, I said it first. You didn't open up with that. I opened up with it. No, but on a serious note, I can't imagine going to work eight hours, 10 hours a day, and then coming home, and then you have no idea what I just went through for a majority of the day, right? If you think about it, if I'm working at a company, there's just eight hours a day and then I'm trying to sleep and maybe I'm getting six to eight hours of sleep and then maybe somebody's driving home in a car for an hour both ways or whatever, you know, there's not a whole lot of time for us. Right. And for me, I actually, I wouldn't trade that for the world. Like, I love working with you. I know we're in it together. I know when shit is great, it's great together. I know when we fail, we fail together. I wouldn't trade that for the world. So, I just want to say that. But, Yeah. So, but that being said, the, the piece that you're talking about is like, yeah, clear. I think it's, it's not only good communication. I don't, you know, of course that's important, but I think it's about, it's about mutual respect for one another. I think that's where you, where things get squirrely. And we've seen it, like we've done coaching and mentoring with husband, wife teams. And I'm like, I, I don't know that they're going to survive the ride home, let alone survive their marriage or just working together. Because the one thing I think that we're really good at is neither of us are passive aggressive.

Alissa 5:06

Correct.

Sal 5:06

I'm just aggressive, but I am not. I'm not passive aggressive. You? Yeah. No, I think that's important. I'm not a big fan of people who are passive aggressive. No, I think

Alissa 5:16

pettiness is so...

Sal 5:18

It'll destroy your marriage. And I come from a family that's... We're half Lebanese, half Italian. It's a very passionate... Both cultures are very passionate. And again, being a native New Yorker as well, we just... we say whatever the fuck is on our mind. Not in a way to be rude and hurtful, but we're not gonna sit on shit. So if you're doing something that bothers me, I'm gonna let you know this is bothering me. Again, there's thresholds. Is that how you're gonna do the dishes? I would never do that. That's ridiculous. But that's not my point. I'm not going to let something fester. I'm not going to go to bed and be angry and then turn that into being passive aggressive because you didn't call a client back or, you know, making something up. And I think that is probably really important to working together is to be able to have that respect for one another. Yeah. And then also with respect, because this is respectful, is no name calling. That, you know... No

Alissa 6:21

name calling and no saying things that you... like would want to take back. Right. You know?

Sal 6:27

Yeah.

Alissa 6:28

It's a line you can't.

Sal 6:29

Well, I mean, think about how many years we've been together and known each other. I've never called you a name.

Alissa 6:33

No,

Sal 6:33

I think. And vice versa. Right. I don't want people to think that I'm abused. Right. So

Alissa 6:37

why'd you look right at

Sal 6:39

Kim? Send help. Um, no. So we, I think that's very important to just, I think once you cross that line and you start calling your significant other, names where you're lashing out, I don't know how you put that genie back in the bottle and you start deteriorating the respect you have for one another and the love you have for one another. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I do shit daily that pisses you off and you do shit that pisses me off. Yeah, it happens. But it never, it shouldn't bubble up to where I'm like, Are you stupid? Yeah. You don't know why you don't, you know, whatever people, you know, however people do that. And I've been in relationships like that and it's just, it's never, it's never good. It never, you never recover. Right. And I think that's one piece that both of us work really hard at protecting with each other is that.

Alissa 7:34

Yep. So I got to tell a story. When I first started working for Sal, um, I'm from the Midwest. I come from a family that is very, um, Um, I would say we, we are,

Sal 7:46

is that recording? Yeah. Okay. Sorry. Good. You come from a family.

Alissa 7:52

I come from a family of peasants. No, I'm just kidding. Um, my family growing up was more of a passive aggressive type than a say what's on your mind, deal with it and move on from it.

Sal 8:05

So it's never personal

Alissa 8:07

with you. It's not. No. So we were more of a, either like you just don't say anything and you just keep pushing it down. That's my method. Just keep pushing it down until it explodes. Although I don't really explode that frequently. Um, it just like manifests in the form of massive anxiety or something maybe. But anyway, so I start working for Sal and like he said, it was like, it was a work thing. I, I didn't respond to an email or something and you lit me up as any boss should would. And, I mean, I used to have a space in our studio. It was in the basement and it was behind a bunch of boxes, like layers of boxes where I could kind of sneak in so that if somebody did come down, they wouldn't see that I was in my cry room. Yeah. And that's where I would go and I would just cry it out. And that's how it was. And I, you know, for me, I'm the type of person I'd never want somebody to see me crying because a lot of times the tears are from frustration and not necessarily cause I'm like sad. Um, a lot of times my feelings were just hurt cause I'd never really been yelled at or confronted in my life. Um, so then I came upstairs after one of my cry sessions and you're like, Hey, you want to go get dinner? And I'm like, what? No, you're mad at me. We're not, we're not friends right now.

Sal 9:25

I

Alissa 9:26

could not process that you were not actually mad at me, that you were just like getting it off your chest that I fucked this up.

Sal 9:31

Yeah.

Alissa 9:33

And well, hang on. So now fast forward, what, 14 years later, um, it's completely reversed. Like if, if we have a little bit of an argument and we are getting ready to go to bed and I feel like it's not fully resolved, like we're both like, yeah, it's, it's okay. But I, you know, when there's still just a little bit of tension, I can't sleep. I cannot go to bed until we hash it out and we are good. Like a hundred percent good.

Sal 9:56

I love that. Yeah. And when I tell you, I think that's the other important part here is with each other is like, I know that when I tell you I'm good and, You believe me, right? Because I've never shown you otherwise, right? Where I'm like, no, we're good. And then three days later, I bring it up and throw it in your face or something. I think that's unhealthy too.

Alissa 10:12

I think something that you struggle with with me is the typical female. I know I do this sometimes. Every woman does this. But when you're like, what's wrong? And I'm like, I'm fine. Sometimes certain days of the month, I will play that. I'm fine. It's you.

Sal 10:27

Yeah. Oh, no, I'm so used to that.

Alissa 10:29

But there are actually times I'm a very low key person. Right.

Unknown 10:33

And

Alissa 10:33

you're like, what's wrong with you? And I'm like, nothing. I'm chilling. I'm just calm right now. And I think you're like, no, there's something wrong. You're being quiet.

Sal 10:42

Well, I'm tuned into your behavior. I'm with you 24 hours a day. I mean, we are together 24 hours a day, seven days a week. So when you start getting a little melancholy or whatever, I'm like, what's going on? It's coming. I know the monster is coming. No. And your monster is kind of funny when it's there. At first, look, I'm sure a lot of husbands do this to their wives. When you start acting different, at first, I don't really know what's going on. That's why I'm always like, all right, what's going on? And then you're like, nothing. And then I'm just like, all right, well, I got to get back to work, right? So then I just kind of leave it alone. But then later on, you still don't snap out of it and you're still the same way. And that's when it clicks for me that it's coming. And so then I just start fucking poking at you like a big brother. And nothing makes

Alissa 11:34

it worse. Like that is not what we need in that moment.

Sal 11:38

Yeah, yeah. No, but I mean, back to the actual point, I think mutual respect is important. I think... Hierarchy is also important. Your

Alissa 11:49

lanes.

Sal 11:50

Yeah, staying in your lane. I think that becomes really important.

Alissa 11:53

Sorry, I interrupted you because I think what you were saying is more accurate. Hierarchy and understanding that there is a boss.

Sal 11:59

Right, right. Which is also staying in your lanes because I think we're both bosses in a sense. Yeah, I created this company. I own the company. But

Alissa 12:09

I don't put your to-do list together in the morning and tell you what to do for the day. Yeah, you do

Sal 12:13

that with the rest of the team because that's your job.

Alissa 12:16

No, no, no. I'm saying with you, you are vision for the company. So you determine what's priority. I don't

Sal 12:22

determine that for you. But we're back to roles, right? Because that's the role I've been given. And that's kind of my point. You're the boss of what you do at the company. I'm the boss of what I do at the company. But then there's always going to be this collaboration, right? Because that's the other thing is... Let's just say for argument's sake, I'm in charge of charging batteries. You're in charge of loading the bag. I don't know. I'm making things up. That doesn't mean if there's a better way of charging batteries in this fictitious scenario that you can't be like, hey, try this. And then I'm going to go. Well, that's my job. My lane. My lane. You should stay in your lane. Like that's all. Now we're being passive aggressive again, right? So I think it's just about knowing, hey, you own this. I need you to own your side of the street. I need to own my side of the street. And you have to have confidence that I own my side of the street. And I got to have confidence you own your side of the street. And I think that's part of what makes it work as well is that we have clear lines of responsibilities. And then where there's things that should be collaborated on, then we collaborate and you know, we pick and choose our battles. You know, I, there's very few arguments. Oh, I gotta tell this story because we were in Dubai. Um, And we were working with the canimals. Camels. Canimals? The

Alissa 13:48

canimals. I

Sal 13:49

like the canimals. No, the camels. Yeah. And I hate doing this. These are fellow Shutterfesters, fellow speakers. But they were at this workshop with us. Oh, I

Alissa 13:58

know what you're

Sal 13:58

saying. Yes.

Alissa 13:59

They're friends of ours.

Sal 13:59

Yeah, they're friends of ours. It was Clay and Danny. Yeah. Sousa. And they were there. And it's like, I don't know, fucking insanely hot, right? Because we're in the desert. Oh,

Alissa 14:11

my God. It was so hot.

Sal 14:12

You're... I'm like up the sand dune. Yeah, you're like 75 to 100 yards away. The

Alissa 14:18

wind. The wind

Sal 14:19

was crazy. The wind's blowing. We're trying to get the model in position.

Alissa 14:22

Two camels with a handler who doesn't

Sal 14:24

speak English. Two camels. We can't make this story any more uphill both ways, right? And we're there. And, you know, it's just how you and I work together. Right. And I'm like, you know, I'm like, move the fucking camel. No, not right. And we're like yelling at each other. And you're like, I can't. What? And we're just yelling at each other because you can't hear. And it's all this chaos. Right. But there's not a lick of that. That we are actually

Alissa 14:50

fighting. No, there's no

Sal 14:51

animosity towards each other. There's no animosity at all.

Alissa 14:54

That's how we communicate in the heat of

Sal 14:56

things. Yeah, dude. Again, we're back to sports. I've made this analogy many, many times that I'm all about competitive sports and team. Anybody who's played competitive sports, basketball, football, team sports, soccer, dude, when you're on the field of battle, you are fucking yelling at each other to each other. You're not like you're a fucking idiot yelling. You're going. Your adrenaline's going. You're trying to get the shot. You're trying to get the dress right, the camels right, everything that's going on. And so you get that, right? But we're all on the same team. Anyway, I tell this story because I could hear Dani behind me. She's like, oh, I hate when they fight. And I remember thinking to myself like, girl, we are not fighting. Not even a little bit.

Alissa 15:46

I think I can count on one hand how many times

Sal 15:50

we've actually fought. Volume does not matter. Equal Especially not with you No I mean we gotta Constantly adjust the levels Of this podcast I'm just loud All the time And

Alissa 16:00

I'm quiet I'm a pretty quiet person You are That's why we're together It works No honestly That is a big point with I'm your mashed potato guy Yeah I don't even know I don't even know If that's the right meme But that's what I came up with When I gave you that name It's like basically When It was like When I I married my husband Because when I go to the restaurant And I ordered the corn And they come out With the mashed potatoes Somebody's gotta tell the waitress I didn't want the mashed potatoes or something like that. And it's not going to be me. I'm definitely not going to say anything. She's going to be like, is everything great? And I'll be like, it's perfect. Yeah, it's perfect. Yeah. I'm so happy. This is what I wanted. This is what I ordered. Yeah. I don't know where I was going with that. Gone.

Sal 16:39

Well, anyway, so it's not like we're... People mistake volume for fighting.

Alissa 16:44

Oh, that's... So the yin and the yang, like... Having somebody, I think if you had two alphas in a relationship, it wouldn't necessarily work as well. I think we're lucky that I can step into an alpha role when you're not around if I need to, but I prefer to be not alpha. I prefer to sit back

Sal 17:02

and let you dance. You are 100% an alpha female.

Alissa 17:05

Not really.

Sal 17:07

Why do you say

Alissa 17:07

that? I don't think so. Because I'm more of an introvert. I like to observe more than anything else.

Sal 17:13

Yeah, you might be an introvert, but you're still an alpha. You want to win. You want to dominate. Yeah. Right? You want all the same things that alpha do. That's what I'm saying. I'm just loud.

Alissa 17:22

Right. No, I'm saying I can step into that when you're not around. But I prefer having you around so I don't have to be out of my comfort zone.

Sal 17:30

It's my job.

Alissa 17:31

Yeah. It's great.

Sal 17:33

What else?

Alissa 17:36

What would you say is the number one thing you struggle with?

Sal 17:41

struggle with in life?

Alissa 17:42

No, like working with your spouse.

Sal 17:46

I

Alissa 17:47

know I'm perfect, but like...

Sal 17:49

Yeah, I mean, when I'm dealing with such perfection, I mean, now I feel like I just got to make something up, you know? Like, jeez. I'm over here like, answer wisely, sir. Pick your answer wisely. What are the things that I struggle with? I think... I mean, really, I feel like people are gonna think I'm full of shit, but I'm really not. I thoroughly enjoy working with you. If it's something I have to struggle with, it's when I feel like you're not doing the things that need to be done, making sure that I'm being at least conscious of all the other things going on in both our personal life and professional life, because sometimes they're really intertwined. you know, the two, you know, sometimes you wake up, you don't like, am I working or are we, Is this play or are we on vacation? I mean, when was the last time we ever just went on a vacation? Like when I see people send out out of office emails, I want to fucking find out wherever they are and just punch them in the face.

Alissa 18:51

We did that once.

Sal 18:52

Yeah.

Alissa 18:52

Do you remember? And we set it up wrong. What, over 10 years ago? No, no, no. Like we intentionally were like, we're going to New York. This was when Mike and Jen came with us and they photographed us up there. Like right before we were even engaged. And it was a big deal because we were like

Sal 19:03

for three days. Seven plus years. Yeah. We're

Alissa 19:06

like for three days, we're going to be off vacation. email. We're just going to enjoy ourselves and we're going to put an out of office reply out and neither one of us set it up properly. So

Sal 19:17

it didn't even go out. Yeah. Um, no, but I mean, but be serious. When was the last time we were able to just go on a vacation and not work? It's just not realistic. So, and

Alissa 19:25

that, you know, we had another episode where we talked about sacrifice and why your business is failing. The beauty of being a photographer as an entrepreneur is you get the opportunities to travel around the world. Take advantage of those opportunities, but you cannot sacrifice the work.

Sal 19:42

Right. Because your clients don't care.

Alissa 19:45

No. Oh, my God. I can't even explain to you. One time we were overseas, probably one of the first trips, workshops we did over there, and... I took like a week to respond to somebody. It was a photo client. And when we got back and I finally responded, I was like, sorry, we were in London doing a workshop. And I don't think I've ever offended somebody more in my life.

Sal 20:03

Right.

Alissa 20:04

Like why does your travel schedule have to

Sal 20:07

impact my order? Customers don't care.

Alissa 20:09

Yeah.

Sal 20:09

But I mean, that's, that's the part for me, like as an owner of a company, I know, Hey, we've got these things that have to get done, but I have to also balance that with not only the the obvious work you're doing for the business, but some of the other things you're doing for the business that are just a little bit more low key but still need to get done, right? I have to be aware of that before I start getting frustrated. But when I do get frustrated, I tell you, I'm like, hey, you're dropping the ball on this. And I think that's something else worth highlighting because that's part of what working together, how to be successful working together is accountability. The one thing I will give you credit for, and hopefully the same in return, is when if I get on you because like whether it's we haven't responded to clients or we have a job that's running late for a client, something like that, and I get on you about that, you own it. Like I've never had to deal with you deflecting. Deflection to me is ugly in any type of relationship. It's ugly in friendships. It's ugly in marriage for sure. It's like, yep. I'm fucking drowning, I need your help, right? And so that allows us to not fight about things, right? Because our agreement with each other has always been, if we are arguing about something for more than 15 minutes, That means one of us is not listening to the other, right?

Alissa 21:37

Or there's a deeper issue that's not actually being said. Right.

Sal 21:40

And if you're always talking about whatever issues there are, technically that should never happen, right? Because it's everybody, you know where you stand on things. So I think those are things you can do from a practical perspective that will allow your marriage, friendship, and business relationship to blossom and move forward.

Alissa 21:58

What's your favorite part of working together?

Sal 22:00

Um... My favorite part of working together are the celebrations. Like the victories. Like when we do something new and we win, we're winning together. So we're both happy about it, right? Whereas if I worked at a corporate job, right? And I came home and I'm like, I won this. You should have been there, man. Jim was like, Jim said this. And I was like, yeah. And then Bob said this. It's one of those like you got to be there, right? But here, we're both there. We're both on calls. We're both in meetings. And when shit happens, like we can just look at each other and know without saying a word, right? We know how we feel about what's going on. I love that about working together.

Alissa 22:46

I actually really enjoy being in the trenches because I know what comes from it. I love, I love like when things go wrong and I love seeing us together and our team rally to get it figured out.

Sal 23:01

Yeah. Cause it's, it's team mentality. Sports. Yeah. It's all, it's sports. Like the people, you know, people who look, we've had plenty of employees who have bombed at our company. They just couldn't cut it. Right. And that's fine. What you can't, because you can't handle direct communication. You, you know, you want, you know, designers are a perfect example. We have obviously graphic design is a big part of our business for almost all of them. If you send over a design, it looks like shit. I'm going to be like, this looks like shit, right? I'm not gonna sugar. Like, oh, it's almost good. Like, no, it's not almost good. It's fucking shit.

Alissa 23:38

But that's part of being a creative, especially in the design field.

Sal 23:42

But they don't always handle it that way, right? When I interview

Alissa 23:44

them, that's one of the questions I ask immediately is how do you handle feedback?

Sal 23:48

Right.

Alissa 23:49

And if their answer is soft and like, well, I don't really like it, but okay, well,

Sal 23:55

you're not gonna survive. You're not gonna survive here, right? And I would say that carries through my marriage, personal relationships, friendships, all those kinds of things. The people who are successful or that I'm successful with, maybe that's another way to position it, are people that respect direct communication, enjoy direct communication. I know I do. I'd rather somebody tell me like, hey dude, I'm pissed at you because you did this. I'll use you as an example since that's the whole point of this episode. I'd rather you tell me like I'm pissed at you because you did this and then I can go, Well, fuck me. It's not how I meant it. It's not how I meant it. I didn't do that. I did this. You took it this way, right? And if you took it that way, I'm sorry, but here's how I meant it. Right? It gives you a chance to like course correct.

Alissa 24:45

I wish I could get better at that.

Sal 24:47

Yeah.

Alissa 24:47

I wish I could just be like, I'm mad because you did this.

Sal 24:50

Right.

Alissa 24:50

But then I like inside, I don't ever want to confront you because I'm like, well, what if he didn't? But then I'm still mad.

Sal 24:56

You have a decision to make. Like you're going to be mad at me or let it go. I know. And I think that's the other piece of this to be successful. I don't know what you think about it is. I think you have to have a short memory, right? Like if you do something and you own up to it and you're like, yep, I fucked that up. I own it. Right. What am I going to do? I'm going to,

Alissa 25:19

just keep hammering you.

Sal 25:20

Am I just going to keep fucking hammering you? Like I got to have a short memory. I got to let it go. You know? No, I mean, think about how many marriages that, that goes on where it's like,

Alissa 25:28

you got to keep reminding

Sal 25:29

them. Yeah. And now look, if you keep doing the same thing, right, then that's not the same thing. But if, you know, I've seen people argue where, you know, it's stupid. It's always stupid shit where it'll be like, hey, can you grab me that wrench, right? And then you're like, you handed me the wrench and then, I don't know, I'm about to give a really bad example. But it's like- You handed the blue cheese instead of the wrench. No, no, but it's like you throwing something in my face that I did five months ago. Oh, yeah. If you do something wrong, maybe that's the better example. Like, hey, I need you responding to customer emails. You're not responding in a timely fashion. And you're like, well, you didn't take the garbage out last night.

Alissa 26:14

Oh,

Sal 26:15

yeah. What?

Alissa 26:16

Yeah.

Sal 26:16

What the fuck do the two things have to do with one another, right? Oh, and

Alissa 26:18

you're wired in a way that you can't let that sit. You can't just brush that off. Now we're battling.

Sal 26:23

Yeah, now it's a brawl. We're brawling. I can't. My brain cannot function when that stuff goes on. It's like, talk to me about what the problem is, right? Don't deflect. Deflection is without a doubt a huge trigger point for me because it's unproductive.

Alissa 26:40

Are you easily triggered?

Sal 26:42

By certain things, I would say, yeah. Yeah. By other things though, you'd probably, I'm probably completely aloof. Like if somebody's yelling at me, I'm just like.

Alissa 26:50

Doesn't get you.

Sal 26:51

No, my blood pressure, my heartbeat doesn't even increase. Like it doesn't, like whatever.

Alissa 26:55

If someone's yelling at me, I immediately want to cry.

Sal 26:57

Yeah. No, I mean, again, it's every, I think everybody's got triggers that get them going, you know, and you just got to be aware of it. Like somebody yelling at me, somebody calling me names or something like that. I'm just like, all right, well, yeah. You know, somebody's like, you're an asshole. Sorry I feel that way. Yeah, I'm like. I guess I could be an asshole. Yeah. Sounds good. You know, but like, dude, if I'm trying to come to you with a problem and I'm like, Hey, you know, blueberries. And then you start fucking talking about, you know, something completely unrelated or trying to throw something in my face from like a previous event. Now I'm going to get fucking pissed. Yeah. And the reason it triggers me. is because I feel like you're disrespecting me. Yeah. Right. Like, so we're back to respect. It triggers me because to me, when people do that, it is a form. It's a, it's a passive aggressive way of disrespecting you and deflecting to what we're really trying to talk about.

Alissa 27:50

That's like one of the biggest triggers for men in general is disrespect.

Sal 27:54

Well, of course.

Alissa 27:55

Yeah. I think women don't have that same. Not a lot of women don't have

Sal 27:58

that. I was going to say, I don't, I don't think that's true.

Alissa 28:01

It depends on the type of, it's not as big of a trigger as it is for guys. Like guys are really hung up on respect.

Sal 28:07

Yeah. Yeah. That's all we have when it's all said and done is our name, right? Our reputation.

Alissa 28:12

Yeah.

Sal 28:13

All that's all wrapped up in respect, I think.

Alissa 28:15

Yeah. So how do you, like when I was talking about in the beginning, like turning it off from work to marriage, like I remember a few years ago, maybe, maybe like 10 years ago, actually there was this like Everybody was on you because all you did was work. Everybody in your family.

Sal 28:36

Right.

Alissa 28:36

People closest to you. Like, you need to unplug. You're going to have a heart attack. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Stop working. But work is what brought you joy. And I know a lot of people tell married couples, especially those who work together, that you need to have work-life balance.

Unknown 28:53

Right.

Alissa 28:53

But what if we just really love working together? And what if the work we do together brings us joy as a couple? What if we love sitting at dinner talking about work?

Sal 29:02

Yeah, but I mean, that's up to you as a couple to know. We're not party people. No. We don't enjoy... When there's group get-togethers, you could probably bet... your entire savings account that we will not be there. It's just not us. It's not who we are. Do we like wine and having a drink? Yeah. But we're more likely to be at a, you know, fancy quiet bar get the private room right get in the private room and uh versus trying to you know be at uh you know a club or a pool party and it'll never happen it's just not us right so i think couples together have to figure out what they like and you hope that when you met each other and married each other you like the same things you know i know it's not always the case

Alissa 29:46

but social media makes it seem like if you and your husband go out to dinner you should put your phones away you shouldn't talk about work like

Sal 29:53

nah

Alissa 29:53

but that

Sal 29:54

i think it's all it's to each other, like you've gotta decide yourselves what's important to you. Like one of the things we love doing before we go to bed is we'll lay there in bed and we just kinda doom scroll for 10 minutes on either your phone or my phone. My phone has better reels.

Alissa 30:11

My algorithm is so messed up. Your reels suck. Oh my gosh.

Sal 30:15

But anyway, so we like doing that and you know, so I mean, nobody can tell you What's right or wrong in your marriage? Yeah, but

Alissa 30:23

social media seems to think that they can tell

Sal 30:25

you. Social media is a cesspool.

Alissa 30:27

It is, but I think a lot of couples are very heavily influenced. Maybe because their relationship isn't strong. That's why it's easy to influence what you should and should not be doing in your relationship. And I honestly, I don't know why anybody even goes on social media to tell somebody how they should or should

Sal 30:43

not be living their lives. How did that start? Let me go on social media and tell me. Who are you? If you're using social media to determine what's right or wrong in your relationship, it's already gone, I would say. You should be listening to each other about what's working and what's not working. And again, it's just a mutual respect for one another. We're building a life together. So I want you to be happy. So I think as you're building that life together, you've got to listen to each other. A perfect example is you get burned out way before I do. I can go hard. You'll get to a point where you burn out and you tell me. You're like, I am mentally burned out. I'm taking. I

Alissa 31:31

usually need one day

Sal 31:32

away. You're like, I'm taking tomorrow. I'm not doing anything. You're like, I'm doing nothing. I'm going to be in the sun all

Alissa 31:37

day. No, I try to bed rot and I try to lay in the sun and I usually can last about two hours before I'm

Sal 31:42

born. It doesn't matter. The point is, I got to listen to you when you're at that point. And I think that's important for everybody to just listen to their significant other, whatever the case may be. It's not going to be as simple as just being burned out. It's everything. Yeah. Right.

Alissa 31:56

I think finding something, something that you enjoy together outside of work is important too. So like you picked up golf and I would ride along with you for years before I started playing. And then I took an interest in playing and now we have that together. So.

Sal 32:10

And now you take all my money when we play golf.

Unknown 32:13

Yeah.

Alissa 32:14

and my dad's and your dad's for sure so having a hobby together you know a lot of couples who work together they spend 24 hours a day together and then they tend a lot of people will tend to find their own hobbies outside of each other and I think

Sal 32:28

that's that's bad

Alissa 32:29

dangerous yeah

Sal 32:29

yeah I think yeah to your point it's important to have an outlet for the two of you to still be a couple yeah that's probably a really good thing to talk about like as far as working with your spouse and not wanting to kill each other but it's to make sure you have an outlet with each other where you can still love each other, be in love with each other, continue to fall in love with each other. Because work can be high stress. You're not running a seven-figure business and there's no stress. That sounds like a dream, but it doesn't exist. So if there's stress all the time and then you never have a way to reconnect, and for us, reconnecting is... Cooking together, reconnecting is we love watching movies or TV shows.

Alissa 33:18

Golfing.

Sal 33:18

Golfing, right? So right there is there's three ways that we reconnect multiple times per week from the stress of work. I think that part's important too. Or else you forget why you fell in love. You forget why you... Yeah,

Alissa 33:33

you're just like stressed out all the time and burned out all the time. And it's funny. We work together all day, every day. And there are days, most days, I would say, I can sit in the exact same room as you. And at the end of the day, I'm like, how's your day?

Sal 33:49

I missed you. I haven't seen you. Say two words to each other all day.

Alissa 33:52

We always laugh about if we had different jobs and assuming they were stressful jobs that we went away to and then we'd come home at the end of the day. And it's like you had such a stressful day, but you weren't there to witness any of it. Right. And I don't want to I don't want to relive that in telling you when you're like, what's wrong? What's going on? So your answer is naturally going to be nothing, just a hard day at work. And I feel like over time, stuff like that creates distance. Yeah. And then you're not talking to each other. So like communication is more than just communicating in work and making sure I understand the tasks that need to be done. It's Like you said, carving out time to be a couple. I'm pretty sure every morning we sit and have our coffee together too and just talk. No phones, just talk about nothing.

Sal 34:38

Yeah, I love that. Yeah. I think that's how it should be. Did you say what you love most about working with me?

Alissa 34:43

Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. I didn't say what I love most. I said I love being in the trenches.

Sal 34:47

Oh, so maybe that's what you love most. No. No?

Alissa 34:49

What I love most... What I love most about working with you is I get... buried really easily and I kind of like zombie out in my computer and then when I come back to life I'm just fried and you always you can like see it in my eyes and you go out of your way to make sure I laugh to like you try really hard I don't always laugh usually you're like dancing and I'm like

Sal 35:11

yeah constant state

Alissa 35:13

I know that's just my face but no you I feel like you're you're always very conscious of my mood And that sounds very volatile, but I'm not crazy, I swear.

Sal 35:25

Guys, you have no idea

Alissa 35:26

what

Sal 35:26

it's...

Alissa 35:27

No, but like to make sure that we're not getting sucked or that I'm not getting sucked into this like spiral of stressy work.

Sal 35:36

Yeah.

Alissa 35:36

Like you always bring light to my day.

Sal 35:39

Yeah. And I think that's because, again, I know my partner and I know what... This stuff doesn't stress me out.

Alissa 35:46

I get stressed out so easily. Yeah, you get stressed out. It's like any kind of confrontation... even if it's in an email, I still get stressed out.

Sal 35:52

Yeah. For me, that's just standard. I

Alissa 35:54

know. I don't like it. You wake up and choose violence and I'm like, Oh my God, why did he say that to that person?

Sal 36:01

No, I think that's good. So I don't know. Put a bow on this,

Alissa 36:05

not a ribbon,

Sal 36:06

not a ribbon, uh, to put a bow on this. It's, uh, I think you just got to have a mutual respect for one another. And I think clear lines of, um, ownership in the business is crucial to avoiding, uh, the fights, right? So I got to know that you own your shit. I own my shit.

Alissa 36:25

And hold each other accountable.

Sal 36:26

Hold each other accountable. Short-term memory. I don't think you can... No two people are going to be together and there's not shit that happens between them. So you got to be able to forget. Forgive and forget. And truly forgive and forget, right? Not... you know i forgive you until but it's in my back pocket right there's not now it's politics right it's like oh i'm gonna leverage uh this so you know and

Alissa 36:48

don't forget to have fun like yeah that's so important you gotta make time for each other it's too serious like business is already way too serious if you're not having fun then why are you doing why are you an entrepreneur

Sal 36:59

it should be fun every day you forget you forget why you got into this

Alissa 37:02

you forget how lucky you are how lucky we are to get to work with

Sal 37:05

each other. We remind each other every day how lucky we are. So I think that's important. We never take it for granted. Um, we never take any of our relationships or friendships for granted. Um, and I think that's, that's probably healthy. So that's it. We're gonna wrap it up. Yep. All right, everybody. Thanks for watching. We'll see you in the next episode.